JOKES GALLERY

Man vs Woman

2009-12-11T13:55:00.001-08:00

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife canspend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and lovehim a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try tounderstand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men area lot more willing to die. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a newargument.
1st Year: Maine Kaha JI Khana Kha Lijiye Aapne Kaafi Der Se Kush Nahi Khaya Hai.
2nd Year: JI Khana Tayar Hai Laga Doon.
3rd Year: Khana Ban Chuka Hai Jab Khana Ho Bata Dena.
4th Year: Khana Banakar Rakh Diya Hai, Mein Bazaar Ja Rahi Hoon, Khud Hi Daal Ke Kha Lena.
5th Year: Mein Kehti Hon Aaj Mujse Khana Nahi Banega, Hotel Se Le Aao.
6th Year: Jab Dekho Khana-Khana-Khana, Abi Subah Hi To Khaya Tha.
7th Year: Mein Tumhara Khana Bna-Bna Ke Tang Aa Gai Hoon, Muje Tum Talakh De Do.

Hollywood Hungama

2009-12-11T13:40:00.000-08:00

One day Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Pierce Brosnan were in a jungle in order to take some shots for a movie. Unfortunately, they were caught by a tribal group. As they were about to be executed they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for her mercy. She said, ''Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.''
The three stars looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food.
Spielberg was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. She tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of them up his ass. The servants finished their duty, leaving a screaming Spielberg.
Schwarzenegger was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but cusiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass. Spielberg was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass howling in pain, but Schwarzenegger had several apples in his ass and he was still laughing. He asked him ''What the hell are you laughing at?'' A laughing Schwarzenegger replied ''Pierce is coming back with a watermelon"

The Decoders

2009-12-11T13:30:00.000-08:00

One day, a French spy received a coded message from an American spy claiming it came directly from President Bush. It read: S370HSSV-0773H.

The spy was stumped, so he sent it to his boss at the agency. His boss was stumped too, so he sent it to the Russians for decoding.

The Russians couldn't solve it either, so they asked the Germans.

The Germans, having received this same message during WWII from the Americans, suggested turning it upside down.

Trustworthy Boy Friend

2009-12-11T13:29:00.000-08:00

Once a guy's girl friends sister calls him home,wen he goes there,the sister tells him that she's madly in love with him and wants to sleep with him...the guy dosent reply back and walks out..... there he finds his girl friend waiting for him,she hugs him and says today u have won my total trust!

the guy says to himself: thank god the condoms were kept in the car!!

Customer care in 2020

2009-12-11T11:01:00.000-08:00

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."

Customer: "Hello, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold..........on......889861356102049998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Ghosh and you're calling from 42 Lokhandwala Andheri. Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 96652302 and your mobile is 9823662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza.. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is Rs 4200"

Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank Rs 1,25,000 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."

Customer: " What!

Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,...registration number 1123..."

Customer: " ????"

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "

Customer: #$$^%&$@$% ^

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 11 th Dec 1997 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"

Customer: [Faints]

Story behind how Rocket Singh became Salesman of the Year

2009-12-11T10:47:00.000-08:00

Rocket Singh is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that it isn't such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales.
Five hours later he comes home and says, "Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That's not enough"So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes.
So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, "Look, you're a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something."
So, Rocket Singh thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one. So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says "
Free vada pav and chutney" A guy walks over and puts the vada pav in the chatnuy and says, "This tastes like shit." Rocket Singh replied, "Yeah, it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?

Rocket Singh - Salesman of the Year

2009-12-07T14:22:00.000-08:00

Ek bar ek Shopping Mall ne Rocket Singh(RS) ko hire kiya.

Sale badhne lagi-din dugni, raat chauguni.

Malik ne socha is naye employee se mujhe milna hai. Malik Mall par aaya, usne dekha RS ek customer ko fishing-rod bechraha tha.

Woh door khada ho kar hi RS ko customer se deal karte dekhne lagaa. RS ne fishing-rod bech di. Customer ne kaha kitne rupaye, RS bola Rs.800/-. Yeh kahkar RS ne customer ke shoes dekhe aur bola, itne mehange shoes pahankar fishing karne jayenge? Ek sport shoe bhi kharid lijiye, customer ne sport shoes bhi kharid liye.

Ab RS ne kaha talaab kinare dhoop mein baithna padega, ek cap bhi kharid lijiye to theek rehega, customer ne cap bhi kharid li. Ab RS ne kaha, machli pakadne mein bahut intezar karna padega, kuchch eatables, wafer, biscuits, bhi le jayiye, customer ne woh bhi kharid liye.

RS bola machli pakdenge to rakhenge kahan ? Yeh ek Rs.100/- ki basket bhi le lijiye, customer ne woh bhi kharid li. Ab total bill bana Rs.2000/- ka. Malik bahut khush hua.

Usne Rocket Singh(RS) ko bulaya aur kaha, tum to Salesman of the year ho. Woh aadmi fishing rod kharidane ayaa . . aur tumane usey itna sara samaan bech diya, very good.

RS bola, " Sir, woh aadmi to "Stayfree" napkin kharidane ayaa tha, maine kaha, char din tu ghar par kya karega 'Jaa Machli Pakad' "

Faithful Varsha

2009-12-07T14:16:00.000-08:00

Trivedi stood on the street, looked up to a window in the second floor and shouted, "Varsha, Varsha!" The window opened and Varsha replied, "

Trivedi, it is you!" "Varsha, is your husband at home?" "No," replied Varsha.

Said Trivedi, "Then open the windows!

I will come up and we will make love!" "Are you crazy?" said Varsha. "I'm no whore!"

Trivedi: "Who said anything about payment?"

French Toast

2009-12-07T14:13:00.000-08:00

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

Bubbles

2009-12-07T14:12:00.000-08:00

3 ducks were arrested at a pond after midnight and went tocourt next morning. There, the judge sent the first duck inthen asked,"What were u doing at the pond past midnight?"."Sir,I was blowing bubbles", replied the first duck. The judgesent the second duck in and asked the same question,"What wereu doing at the pond past midnight?". The second duck answed,"Iwas blowing bubbles".Then they sent the 3rd duck in and thejudge asked, "let me guess, you were blowing bubbles too??" Noosir, I m bubbles".

Take it Easy Pharmacy

2009-12-07T14:10:00.000-08:00

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to herboyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes atrip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like tobuy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family packbecause he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets hisgirlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,come on in!"The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl'sparents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over andwhispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

DOSTI MAIN DARAAR

2009-12-07T14:02:00.000-08:00

After marriage, ek baar Ramu ka ex-roommate Shamu uske ghar usse milne aata hai. Ramu & his beautiful bride Situ really took care of Shamu.He decided to stay there for the night. So, Ramu setup a dari & bedsheet for him on the verandah floor.

At this Shamu retorted, "khud bistar par aur mujhe zamin par? Lagta hai dosti main darar aa gayi hai!"So, Ramu pacified him & setup a bed for him.Shamu again retorted, "khud andar aur mujhe bahar? Lagta hai dosti main darar aa gayi hai!"

Ramu felt bad & set Shamu's bed in the drawing room. Shamu objected, "khud andar AC room main aur mujhe bahar garmi main? Ek waqt tha ki ham donon sote the ek hi kamre main!"!Ramu said that he was a married man now but Shamu again said, "lagta hai dosti main darar aa gayi hai!"

Ramu's bedroom could accomodate only a bed & a sofa, so Ramu setup Shamu in his bedroom on the sofa where the AC was fitted. After some time, Shamu woke up Ramu & said that he was uncomfortable on the lumpy sofa.At this, Ramu was very irritated & said, "Hadd ho gayi yar!! A line has to be drawn somewhere!" Shamu said, "Bas kya!! tu shadi ke baad ek dam badal gaya hai.lagta hai dosti main darar aa gayi hai!"

Ramu, the good soul that he was, relented & let Shamu sleep on the bed. His wife slept on the left side of the bed, himself in between & Shamu on the right.After some time Shamu again complained that he wanted to s leep in the middle of the bed as he kept falling off the bed when he changed sides. Ramu wailed, "This is too much, yaar! There is a limit to everything..."Shamu became very emotional & said, "Bas kya, you don't trust ME?!? Lagta hai dosti main definitely darar aa gayi hai!"

Finally, good old Ramu gave in again, & let him old pesty pal sleep between him & his wife.In the morning, Shamu told Ramu, "Yaar, your wife is a very chalu lady. She held my tool all through the night !!!"

Ramu quietly replied "That was me, & not my wife. I just had to do it!"NAHI TO DARAAR MAIN DOSTI CHALI JATI!!!

At the Airport

2009-12-07T13:49:00.000-08:00

Man is at the airport.-
Name?
Sayyeed Akhtar Khan
Sex?
Three to five times a week.
No, no... I mean, male or female?
Male, female, sometimes camel.
Holy cow!
Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
But isn't that hostile?
Horse style, doggy style, any style!
Oh dear!
No, no! Deer run too fast!

Aladdin, Genie N Osama bin

2009-12-07T13:42:00.000-08:00

Aladdin, Osama bin Laden, and George W. Bush are out walking together one day. They come across a lamp and a genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie.
Aladdin says, "I'm poor, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also be poor. I want a lot of money." With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* Aladdin will be forever rich .
Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
George W. Bush, asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."
George W. Bush says, "Fill it with water."

DUMB VINDU

2009-12-07T13:31:00.000-08:00

Just found out why Vindu is the biggest dumb*** on Bigg Boss 3.
The reasons are listed below:-

TEACHER : Vindu, what is the chemical formula for water?
Vindu : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
Vindu : Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER : Why are you late, Vindu?
Vindu : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
Vindu: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: Vindu, what do you call a person who keeps on talking whenpeople are no longer interested?
Vindu: A teacher.

TEACHER : Vindu, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Vindu: Me!

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Vindu, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Vindu : Because George still had the axe in his hand.

Types of Marketing

2009-12-07T02:25:00.000-08:00

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. "Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing... "
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. "Marry him." -That's Advertising. .."
3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. "Marry me - That's Telemarketing. .."
4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)"Marry Me?"
- That's Public Relations... "
5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:"You are very rich! "Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition. .."
6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - "That's Customer Feedback..."
7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - "That's demand and supply gap..."
8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him - "That's competition eating into your market share..."
9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - "That's restriction for entering new markets..."

submitted by

Akhil

Mumbai

Men Thoughts

2009-12-07T02:11:00.000-08:00

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose !!
2. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects !!
3. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
4. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together !!
5. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing onearth !!
6. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly !!
7. Virginity can be cured !!
8. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity !!
9. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand !!
10. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small !!
11. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy !!
12. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under !!
13. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happywith the Hole and she was happy with the Thing !!
14. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks and wife doesn't !!
15. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes !!
16. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

submitted by

Akhil

Mumbai

Horse Calling

2009-12-01T06:33:00.000-08:00

A husband came home from work and his wife slapped him. "What was that about?" he cried.
"I found a piece of paper in your pants last night with the name 'Rani' written on it," she said, steaming. "You'd better have a damned good explanation."
"Calm down, honey," he replied. "Remember last week when I went to the races? Rani was one of the horses I bet on, that's all."
The next day when he came home from work, his wife slapped him again.
"Now what?" he cried.
"This morning, your horse called!"

Khiladi No.1

2009-12-01T06:29:00.000-08:00

Since their wedding day three years earlier, Twinkle had been nagging Akshay to tell her about his past. "Come on, tell me," she pressed. "Just how many women have you slept with?"
"Honey, if I told you, you’d just get mad."
"No, I won’t. I promise. Please, tell me."
"Well, okay. Let’s see. One, two, three, four, five, you, seven, eight...."

What A Seminar!

2009-12-01T06:28:00.000-08:00

The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as he looked absolutely terrible. "Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in- training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."
"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red?" "Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying with remorse, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."
"I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged ?"
"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this."

SRK VS SALLU

2009-12-01T06:23:00.000-08:00

SRK was reading his morning paper as usual when he saw a photo of Salman and his girl friend, Katrina.
He looked over the paper at his wife Gauri and said, "Why is it the biggest idiots get the most attractive wives?"
His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear!"

Male 2 Female

2009-12-01T06:21:00.000-08:00

Q: What's the worst part of getting a sex change from male to female?
A: When they remove half the brain.

Teenage Blood

2009-12-01T06:20:00.000-08:00

During a quarrel with his parents, the teenager announced, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. And don’t try to stop me!"
As he headed for the door, his father followed him.
"Didn't you hear me? Don’t try to stop me!"
"Stop you?" said his father, "I was thinking of joining you!"

Great Compromise

2009-12-01T06:15:00.000-08:00

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "1000 rupees," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to Rs 800." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!" "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to Rs 700."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to Rs 500."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

Fishing Fools

2009-12-01T06:12:00.000-08:00

Every day of their vacation, KRK & Vindu rented a boat and fished. One day they caught thirty fish.
KRK said, "Vindu, mark this spot so that we can come back here tomorrow!"
The next day when they were driving to rent the boat, KRK asked, "Vindu, did you mark that spot?"
Vindu replied, "Yep. I painted a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat!" KRK growled.
"You old fool! What if we don’t get the same boat today?"

Deshdrohi KRK

2009-12-01T06:10:00.000-08:00

"Boy, I'm scared," KRK said to Raju. "I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife." "Well," replied Raju, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife."
"Easy for you to say."
"You like her that much?" Raju asks.
"It's not that," declared KRK. "He didn't sign his name!"

Angry Vindu

2009-12-01T06:07:00.000-08:00

Vindu and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
Vindu said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. Vindu said, "That's twice."
After a little while the poor old horse stumbled again. Vindu didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride scolded him, "That was an awful thing to do!"
Vindu said, "That's once."

Divorced Vindu

2009-12-01T06:05:00.000-08:00

"Mr. Vindu, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife Rs 8000/- a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said.
"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

Wrong Info.

2009-12-01T06:04:00.001-08:00

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

Kohinoor

2009-12-01T06:01:00.000-08:00

Vindu is in the drugstore with his young son when the boy discovers the kohinoor condom aisle. "What are these, Dad?"
"Well, son, those are condoms. They're for protection when you’re having sex."
The son points to a pack and asks, "Why does it have only three in it, Dad?"
"Well, son, those are for high school boys: one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Well, why does this pack have six in it?"
"Well, son, those are for college men: two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"Well then, what about this package with 12 in it?"
"Well, son, those are for married men: one for January, one for February..."

Base BALL game!!

2009-12-01T05:58:00.000-08:00

An Indian was at a baseball game.
It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the mound, he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run."
This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Indian was now exited and ready to get into the game.
The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Indian, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!"
Everyone around him started laughing. So the Indian, extremely embarrased, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Indian's embarassment, lened over and said, "He can't run - he got four balls."
The Indian then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man...walk with pride!"

Pak-Pak-Perfectionist

2009-12-01T05:51:00.000-08:00

Aamir's wife is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls her over and asks, "Where have you been?"
"I've been to the film shooting of Ghajini," sez the wife. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like that a few intersections back, Aamir fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the wife. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Main aur Mrs Khanna

2009-12-01T05:48:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Khanna asked her 4th grade class if they thought they were stupid and, if so, to please stand.
Little Sohail stood up, alone.
Mrs. Khanna said, "Sohail, do you really think you're stupid?"
"No," Sohail said. "But I didn't want you standing up there alone."

Little Aamir

2009-12-01T05:41:00.000-08:00

Little Aamir came home from school with a note from his teacher saying that Aamir was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and would his mother please sit down and have a talk with Aamir about this. So Aamir's mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.
"First, Aamir, I want you to take off my blouse",she said, so Aamir unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. "O.K., now take off my skirt", and he takes off her skirt. "Now take off my bra", which he does.
"And now, Aamir, please take off my panties". Johnny finishes removing these too.
His mother then says, "Aamir, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school anymore!

Veer-Zaara

2009-12-01T05:38:00.000-08:00

Zaara, age 9, and Veer, age 10, are sitting on the front porch swing. Veer says to Zaara, "Screw you, Zaara."
A minute goes by and Zaara replies, "Screw YOU, Veer."
A moment or two and Veer says, "Screw YOU, Zaara."
In response, "Screw *YOU*, Veer," Zaara says.
After about ten minutes of this, Zaara's mom comes out on the porch and says, "What on earth are you kids doing?"
They reply in unison, "We're having oral sex!"

Peek-A-Boo

2009-12-01T05:33:00.002-08:00

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

Position

2009-12-01T05:33:00.001-08:00

"Will I be the first to do this to you?" whispered the new groom to his new bride.
"What a silly question," giggled the girl. "I don’t even know what position you want to use yet."

Pravesh and Claudia - Happily Married

2009-12-01T05:29:00.000-08:00

Pravesh married Claudia. On their honeymoon, he laid down the rules. "Now here’s the way it’s gonna be: I’ll go hunting or fishing or card-playing or drinking with my buddies anytime I want to, with no hassle from you. And I’ll come home anytime I want to, with no hassle from you. And I’ll expect dinner to be on the table whenever I get here, with no hassle from you. Those are my rules. Do you understand?"
Claudia smiled sweetly and said, "Of course, dear. That’s fine. But I have one little rule of my own: I’m gonna make love here every night at seven o’clock—whether you’re here or not!"

Big Boss

2009-12-01T02:23:00.000-08:00

The boss was concerned that his employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door. After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”

Home Improvement

2009-12-01T02:15:00.000-08:00

Tanaaz goes to her local bank, walks into the manager’s office, and says, “I want a loan; I am going to divorce Bhaktiyaar(husband).”

“Oh, we don’t give loans for divorces,” the manager says. “We offer loans only for things like real estate, appliances, automobiles, businesses, and home improvement.”

Tanaaz interrupts: “Stop right there. This definitely falls into the category of ‘Home Improvement.’”

Big Sister

2009-12-01T02:05:00.000-08:00

Shamita, Poonam and Aditi sit in a dinner in Big Boss's house, discussing their health.

Poonam says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

Aditi says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"

Shamita smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

Vindu's Girl Friend

2009-12-01T02:03:00.000-08:00

KRK was startled to see the nonchalant way Vindu was taking the fact that his girlfriend was seen with another man. “You said you loved her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn’t knock the guy down?”.

“I’m waiting.”

“Waiting for what?” asked KRK

“Waiting to catch her with a smaller feller.”

Car Fix

2009-12-01T01:56:00.000-08:00

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down. “Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer. “Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.” “I thought it might be a grounding problem”, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.” They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?” “Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”

Vindu's Shoe

2009-12-01T01:50:00.000-08:00

Vindu (drunk) was walking down the sidewalk with a limp. KRK coming in the opposite direction notice that he only had one shoe on. KRK said to Vindu, "hey buddy, what's the matter, lose a shoe"? Vindu replied, "Nah biddu, found one".

KRK aur Vindu

2009-12-01T01:45:00.000-08:00

KRK took Vindu driving on a narrow mountain road. After a while Vindu said, “I feel very scared whenever you go around one of those sharp bends”. “Then do what I do,” said KRK, “close your eyes.”

Mr BATRA & his Wife

2009-11-23T07:48:00.000-08:00

Mr. Batra and his wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
Mr. Batra says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

Mr. Batra realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.So the next day he takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth Rs 2000 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

Mr. Batra says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.' The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

Mr. Batra says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank. " No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

THE LEGEND OF A WRITER

2009-11-23T07:39:00.000-08:00

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Funniest Blonde

2009-11-23T06:54:00.000-08:00

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.*

when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

CHRISTMAS MORNING & COP ON HORSEBACK

2009-11-23T02:26:00.000-08:00

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says "Yes sir."The cop says, "Well next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." He then proceeds to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.The kid takes the ticket, but before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."The kid says, "Well next year, tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
submitted by -
Nitish Murthy
Bangaluru