Man vs Woman

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife canspend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and lovehim a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try tounderstand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men area lot more willing to die. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a newargument.
1st Year: Maine Kaha JI Khana Kha Lijiye Aapne Kaafi Der Se Kush Nahi Khaya Hai.
2nd Year: JI Khana Tayar Hai Laga Doon.
3rd Year: Khana Ban Chuka Hai Jab Khana Ho Bata Dena.
4th Year: Khana Banakar Rakh Diya Hai, Mein Bazaar Ja Rahi Hoon, Khud Hi Daal Ke Kha Lena.
5th Year: Mein Kehti Hon Aaj Mujse Khana Nahi Banega, Hotel Se Le Aao.
6th Year: Jab Dekho Khana-Khana-Khana, Abi Subah Hi To Khaya Tha.
7th Year: Mein Tumhara Khana Bna-Bna Ke Tang Aa Gai Hoon, Muje Tum Talakh De Do.

Hollywood Hungama

One day Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Pierce Brosnan were in a jungle in order to take some shots for a movie. Unfortunately, they were caught by a tribal group. As they were about to be executed they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for her mercy. She said, ''Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.''
The three stars looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food.
Spielberg was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. She tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of them up his ass. The servants finished their duty, leaving a screaming Spielberg.
Schwarzenegger was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but cusiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass. Spielberg was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass howling in pain, but Schwarzenegger had several apples in his ass and he was still laughing. He asked him ''What the hell are you laughing at?'' A laughing Schwarzenegger replied ''Pierce is coming back with a watermelon"

The Decoders

One day, a French spy received a coded message from an American spy claiming it came directly from President Bush. It read: S370HSSV-0773H.

The spy was stumped, so he sent it to his boss at the agency. His boss was stumped too, so he sent it to the Russians for decoding.

The Russians couldn't solve it either, so they asked the Germans.

The Germans, having received this same message during WWII from the Americans, suggested turning it upside down.

Trustworthy Boy Friend

Once a guy's girl friends sister calls him home,wen he goes there,the sister tells him that she's madly in love with him and wants to sleep with him...the guy dosent reply back and walks out..... there he finds his girl friend waiting for him,she hugs him and says today u have won my total trust!

the guy says to himself: thank god the condoms were kept in the car!!

Customer care in 2020

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."

Customer: "Hello, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold..........on......889861356102049998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Ghosh and you're calling from 42 Lokhandwala Andheri. Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 96652302 and your mobile is 9823662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza.. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is Rs 4200"

Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank Rs 1,25,000 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."

Customer: " What!

Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,...registration number 1123..."

Customer: " ????"

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "

Customer: #$$^%&$@$% ^

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 11 th Dec 1997 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"

Customer: [Faints]

Story behind how Rocket Singh became Salesman of the Year

Rocket Singh is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that it isn't such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales.
Five hours later he comes home and says, "Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That's not enough"So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes.
So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, "Look, you're a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something."
So, Rocket Singh thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one. So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says "
Free vada pav and chutney" A guy walks over and puts the vada pav in the chatnuy and says, "This tastes like shit." Rocket Singh replied, "Yeah, it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?

Rocket Singh - Salesman of the Year

Ek bar ek Shopping Mall ne Rocket Singh(RS) ko hire kiya.

Sale badhne lagi-din dugni, raat chauguni.

Malik ne socha is naye employee se mujhe milna hai. Malik Mall par aaya, usne dekha RS ek customer ko fishing-rod bechraha tha.

Woh door khada ho kar hi RS ko customer se deal karte dekhne lagaa. RS ne fishing-rod bech di. Customer ne kaha kitne rupaye, RS bola Rs.800/-. Yeh kahkar RS ne customer ke shoes dekhe aur bola, itne mehange shoes pahankar fishing karne jayenge? Ek sport shoe bhi kharid lijiye, customer ne sport shoes bhi kharid liye.

Ab RS ne kaha talaab kinare dhoop mein baithna padega, ek cap bhi kharid lijiye to theek rehega, customer ne cap bhi kharid li. Ab RS ne kaha, machli pakadne mein bahut intezar karna padega, kuchch eatables, wafer, biscuits, bhi le jayiye, customer ne woh bhi kharid liye.

RS bola machli pakdenge to rakhenge kahan ? Yeh ek Rs.100/- ki basket bhi le lijiye, customer ne woh bhi kharid li. Ab total bill bana Rs.2000/- ka. Malik bahut khush hua.

Usne Rocket Singh(RS) ko bulaya aur kaha, tum to Salesman of the year ho. Woh aadmi fishing rod kharidane ayaa . . aur tumane usey itna sara samaan bech diya, very good.

RS bola, " Sir, woh aadmi to "Stayfree" napkin kharidane ayaa tha, maine kaha, char din tu ghar par kya karega 'Jaa Machli Pakad' "